shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
