I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
