I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
