So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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