my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
