i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
should my penis look like a turkey
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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