The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
