I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
