here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
