Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
