I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
