I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
