People in love make me want to vomit
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
