He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
