The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
