a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
