I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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