why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I wear drunk well.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
