i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
