my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
