I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
