I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
They have beer where we have blood.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
