Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If I die, sorry about rent.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
