Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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