Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
