Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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