Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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