i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
