So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
