I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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