It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
