No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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