just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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