And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
