Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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