so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
