I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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