It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
