can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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