He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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