I hate your face
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
