Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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