She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
