we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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