i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
