i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
