I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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