if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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