Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
