I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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