I can tuck mytits in my pants
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
