It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
