I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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